Hey guys, I’m glad you are continuing to read. Last few posts challenged you immensely and the accompanying week had to be tough. I am proud of you for sticking it out and still desiring to gain the sexual integrity you can have and God wants for you. This section is a little different from the past few sections in that it focuses introspectively, or more internally. We are going to explore how Satan’s second in command, at least that is how I perceive the fallen angel of fear. Fear is the number one causer root of every fight that I oversee in a counseling session with couples. Fear is what usually influences a good majority of our decisions, we may just not know it. The topic of fear is one of my favorite topics for discussion and analysis, but in this session I will be mainly focusing on how it interacts with our sexuality.
Believe it or not, most men are afraid of their masculinity. The level of fear varies from man to man but we all have it. With most men, the fear comes in the forms of questions, am I man and do I have what it takes to be a man. The first question of am I man has us examine what is a man. We learn from watching movies, reading in books, but mainly from social learning, that is watching other people interact and define masculinity. Others define a man as simply a male of the species homo sapien sapien. Sometimes our definition is even performed by watching where femininity is lacking and extrapolating the exact opposite as masculinity. As you can see, our definition of a man is very vague and all over the board. The spirit of fear enters into our question by pointing out that we don’t have the necessary traits of a man. Real men don’t need pornography to satisfy them, a real man can wouldn’t need to masturbate, these are just a few lies we hear from Fear that deteriorates our view of ourselves as men. Satan doesn’t want you regaining your masculinity so he entrusts his number one general to keep you doubting yourself and keep you in your wounds. For those of you who are hunters, you know that a prey enters into a flight or fight mode when wounded and focuses on just surviving, we do the same with our masculinity when fear wounds us.
Another area the spirit of fear attacks us is in the confrontation with another individual or group. This fear of confrontation, often dubbed intimidation, keeps us from acquiring greatness. We get so anxious, the consumption of fear, with approaching someone, that we would rather avoid the engagement versus being successful. Our fear of what others think about us, especially if we are lacking in confidence or self worth due to issues stemming from our view on our masculinity, that it consumes us to the point of being overwhelmed. One of the reasons I believe that all the dating services have evolved. These services have learned to break down any and all barriers to help facilitate you confronting others of the opposite sex. I know that I personally struggle with confrontation and my fears associated with it, but I am continually battling against it. Satan is losing his grip on me, one bloody knuckle at a time.
Along with the fear of confrontation, comes the fear of rejection. If you finally get the courage to confront someone, only to be rejected, can cause someone not to initiate at all. This is one of the main fears that Satan uses to capture you into the world of pornography and lust. The fear of being rejected by our spouses is a common issue, especially if we have taken our definition of being a man as sexual pleasing her. We have given her the power to validate us as a man, but through rejection, real or perceived, we have given her the power to invalidate us as well. Wee tend to take rejection personally, as fear manipulates the rejection from a simple no, I’m not interested to something more devastating like, you are nothing but a shell of a man. Totally untrue, but Fear is a great manipulator.
The next to fears I want to talk about are vulnerability and losing control. While I believe that they are two separate fears, they are bound together closely. In order to be vulnerable, you have to expose yourself, while I’m not talking about mooning someone, I am talking about dropping your elaborate fig leaf that we call posing. Posing is the behaviors and attitudes we show others, while we hide the underlying motives. Showing the motives to someone, especially a spouse, is being very vulnerable. You give up control as to how much of yourself you share which can be just as frightening. So fear comes in to these two areas and keeps you from exposing who you really are. He plants the notion that, if they really knew me or who I really am, they wouldn’t like me and leave me. Sound similar to another fear we have already talked about?
One of the biggest fears that keep us into pornography or other sexual addictions is the fear of missing out on something. The spirit of fear puts this nagging or looming fear that there is something out there in the world that we just need to know what it is or experience it. So we search to appease this fear, some even call it the quest for knowledge. But deep down we know that the craving or fear will never be satisfied. This fear is why an addict has a need for more or greater amount of whatever their vice is and why pornographers have gone to extremes to satiate those people who just need more. This type of fear will always keep you in a fight or flight mode, just surviving until you find or get that next fix.
Another reason we are kept captive in our sexuality is that we have a fear of seeking out the truth. How many of you have broken out your bibles and searched throughout scripture to find out how you are truly supposed to live in sexual integrity. We are scared to. We are afraid of what potential horrors we might have to endure in order to gain the sexual integrity we know is needed and what we may desire. I realize that seeking sexual integrity may be overwhelming at first or appear to be hard, but it is a gradual process, not one accomplished overnight. I know that and God knows that, now you need to know that! This leads me into the next fear.
The fear of change. Satan pounds this one into us every chance he can. He likes you where you are, sulking in your sin rather than combating it. Like the red dress clip from the Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo that many don’t want to get free of the Matrix and are unable to change. Change is one of the hardest things for men to do. Unless there is perceived benefit, we often don’t want to risk in order to change. To change involves risk. With risk comes a great amount of fear, loss of control, vulnerability, and many other factors. To change means getting out of your comfort zone. I often recite the parable of the talens where the third servant chose not to risk and lost everything. We see this scenario played out over and over in the movies where some character wants to play it safe and winds up dead. Gentlemen, we have an enemy and he will fight you tooth and nail using his Allie fear to keep you from changing for good, God’s good.
The fear of intimacy really goes along with vulnerability and losing control as you cannot be intimate, that is emotional intimacy, without exposing your inner self. Intimacy takes trust, trust involves risking your feelings with another person.
Lastly, the fear of acceptance. This ties back to the fear of rejection. While we may not be rejected, it doesn’t necessarily mean we are accepted. We all want to be accepted by our spouses, friends, peers, and accountability partners. If you have made it this far into the sessions, you are accepted.
Check out this clip from the movie, the Replacements, a movie about professional football replacement players who have been given a second chance, watch where the coach wants to discuss the very same issue we have been talking about, fear. Watch how the players try to stay superficial until the leader of the group, Shane, steps up and is willing to look deeper.
While I have beaten the snot out of a number of fears that consume us in our masculinity, there is one healthy fear to have. I can just see the puzzling looks on all of your faces as I have told you that all these fears come from a demon spirit by the name of fear. You have to recall that before Satan fell with his third of the angels, that the angel of fear was good. Now you have to ask where all the angels were derived, and to that question, I answer, they are the feelings and emotions of our God. So fear did have a good purpose, and that purpose was to fear God. The fear of the Lord is the only fear we are commanded to have in the bible. But it is a fear of reverence, respect, and admiration for our heavenly father. There is a great book written about this subject called, of all things, the fear of the lord by John Bevere. A great read on having a healthy fear of our Lord. And this can and needs to be applied to your sexuality.
With this knowledge of what types of fears are coming against your sexuality and how Satan is trying to keep you down, there are a number of things you can do to overcome these fears. First, have a health fear of the Lord as you can do all things through Him. Second, regain or better yet, redefine your masculinity or masculinity in general through God’s eyes. Ask Him, He knows masculinity as He has it himself. Ask Him how he sees you as a man, you might be surprised to hear him call you his warrior, despite not feeling like it. Third, through God’s eyes, filter the fears you are feeling. He can give you a better perspective as to what is really going on. You most likely will realize that you are also facing spiritual battles as well as the physical temptations. When you ask God these questions, don’t be afraid to her what he has to say. He knows you may not be able to correct them or change them overnight, just know he believes in you to make strides towards where he wants you.
You are strong and courageous for undertaking the change. To escape the matrix, to make a difference in the lives of you, your spouses, your families and the Kingdom, don’t be ensnarled by Satan’s number one emissary, Fear. He is powerful, but through our heavenly father, you can and will overcome it. Until next time, stay strong, continue to fight the battle, explore who you are and what makes you tick, and know that your Abba Father, our Lord God in heaven and I are very proud of you.